5. Oh no, is it happening already?

I knew there was a possibility this could happen, but I wasn't expecting it to happen quite so early into my trial retirement period. Today is Thursday 23rd April and I'm thoroughly enjoying myself, or am I?

Let me give you some context (but first, make yourself a cuppa as this is quite a long entry, although it also has extra pictures in, too. You're welcome).

1. The context (some of which was in blog entry No. 4)

For several years, anxiety played a not-insignificant part in my working life (usually for good, but sometimes for bad), which occasionally cast a shadow over my personal life, too. Nothing dramatic, but enough for my wife to comment from time-to-time that I was clearly withdrawn in my own thoughts plus my posture was of someone closed-off. Sometimes I'd just not sleep well and I looked/felt very fatigued in the morning. 

I first recall feeling like it in mid-2019, and it has come and gone ever since. It was probably why I liked 'adrenaline' projects - where there's a burning platform - as they gave me the thrill of achievement with anxiety actually helping me continually drive forwards. As examples:

* The Co-op Bank years ago, when the FCA were asking for weekly updates on a problem that I was subsequently asked to lead a team to fix. Happy days, Lee McNabb and Krystian Williams.

* A race to the finish line on GDPR by a company that had initially under-resourced the work. Happyish days, Nick Passman?

* The recent finance system replacement project that had already spent 82% of its budget without reaching an agreed design, let alone to build/test/train/implement anything. I was brought onboard to rescue it, and loved it (even happier days and far too many people to mention).

Now, given my last contracted working day was Thursday 2nd April, one might expect such anxiety to fade away pretty quickly, right? Wrong. 

On Sunday 12th April, I felt that 'Sunday evening' anxiety again. I think it was because I knew I had two hour-long calls with 'work' booked for Thursday 16th, as part of an agreed handover plan. That was further compounded by a poor nights' sleep on Wednesday 15th, after reading an email from a different university that required me to prep for a call booked for the following Monday (19th, as mentioned in blog entry no. 4 - you really should be taking notes or memorising these gems). The sensation of "Risk mitigation? Familiar territory. Resource constraints and key inter-related dependencies? Been there, got the t-shirt," was comforting in a weird way, and made my brain flip back into work-mode. 

Thing is, after those calls, I felt a huge wave of relief that I didn't want to get sucked back into work. I didn't find myself yearning for those familiar 8:30am daily calls, or 10 hours sat in front of a laptop with Microsoft Teams dominating my calendar. So, on Sunday the 19th April, for the first time I can recall in the last 7-8 years, I only thought about how lovely my week ahead was going to be. Oh, this is going to be GREAT!!

2. A new sensation

If 'Fate' is reading this, don't take the p*** after I've pressed 'publish' for this entry! Irony is not your most endearing characteristic.

This week started with me feeling lighter:

* In my mind. I now have dreams about typically abnormal stuff (fighting aliens that look like flying squids, telling Jenna Ortega there are other days in the week not just Wednesday, or scoring the winning goal for Tottenham - a flying volley - but falling out of bed doing so, literally), rather than being awake into the wee hours, thinking about potentially missing deadlines or things being out of control.

* Hopefully, albeit slowly, with my weight. Loved my two 7:30am sessions at the gym. I'm trying to get into a twice-weekly routine, although it's not a regular thing just yet, but at that time of the week, it's virtually empty after the 6:15am rush. It also currently gives me time to listen to the almost published draft of my third audio book (coming to all sorts of outlets near you, very soon).

Unsubtle sales pitch

I'm also able to write regularly. Not necessarily frequently, but certainly regularly, as well as getting to see my grandsons. The dog gets more walks on the 5 days he doesn't go to a doggy play care. My wife is grateful because the household chores she hates the most get done, dinner is ready for her 4 evenings a week, and every other Wednesday is now dedicated to just the two of us. My nonagenarian mum gets more of me, too, although I'm cautious I don't turn into her daily chauffeur for everything and anything. 

But wait, there's something else on my mind. 

Yesterday afternoon, I started to feel anxious and I didn't know why. By the time I went to bed, I found myself asking do I actually need anxiety in my life in order to function well? Is it a fundamental element of my personality? My brain went into overdrive - was I getting anxious about a lack of anxiety? I've still got one more invoice to be paid for the contract, so my revenue stream hasn't evaporated yet, therefore I'm not in the situation I'm going to be in for... gulp... the rest of my life!  

It felt like there was no time to fit in gardening, to increase the frequency of writing, to add new and fun activities to my days, like playing padel... but wait: is this me trying start this brand new chapter of my life using the old rules, rather than viewing it as a brand new story. Is that the real problem? 

I guess I'll keep reflecting and thinking about all of this as I continue to try to enjoy spring and summer, as I await the final pension numbers, and then take a good look at life in September 2026; to decide if my contracting career is well and truly behind me. 

I'm pleased to announce that when I awoke this morning, I wasn't anywhere near as anxious, so let's see if it was just a 'senior moment'. Yes, I'll find time for new things and not simply try to 'fill my days'. I'll find my new purpose and my new structure, and maybe try to find some way to put some anxiety back into life, one way or the other, if that's what I need to function.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. See you next week?

4. A day trip and Pandora's Box!

After 16 months of pretty intensive work, I am grateful to be able to trial retirement. Thing is, whenever I take my foot off the gas, my body and mind seem to be both grateful and vindictive. 

On the one hand, it says 'thank you for slowing down', but at the same time I start to get aches and pains as the time pressure, general anxiety, and my own ridiculous standards fade into the background. Still, it's been a busy ol' week.   

1. That Monday morning feeling.

This week included my first non-working-Monday (Easter Monday didn't count), and yet I still experienced that same sense of nervous anticipation at 6pm on Sunday. Wasn't I supposed to be smirking with a degree of self-satisfaction that should make even me feel sick, sometime about now? Or was it because of something else? I previewed the week ahead:

- Monday would be dog-walking twice, laundry day, making beef casserole (slow cooker - a kitchen appliance, not a reflection on my skill and pace), and some pottering about.

- On Tuesday I'd be taking the 8:53am train down to campus. Not to work, but to take a bunch of lovely people out for lunch AND to celebrate one of them starting a new job outside the university. As it was, the pub was shut, so we decided to sit outside a vegan café and scoff vegan-filled bagels - they were very nice! Conversation flowed, lots of laughter, and London City Airport air traffic control deserves a bonus because they managed to drown out Cindy SIX TIMES just as she started to talk.

I'd post an AI image of the group photo, but one of the team specifically asked me not to, so I won't (even though it would have been great).

- Wednesday was for painting. I needed to put on a second coat at my eldest's, and I'd take the dog out for two walks. I'd also allocate some time to finish reading a book.

- Thursday should be my dedicated writing day, but I had work-related calls in the diary as part of my handover commitment to the programme director.

Now it actually is Thursday as I write this blog entry, and it's been a weird sort of day because of a lack of sleep last night. Let me explain.

2. Pandora's Box?

Last week, I had some fab feedback from a friend - Sam in Cheshire - who'd read the last blog entry and felt compelled to email me. See below. 

"I felt all the same feelings last April, when I stopped work. I felt absolutely in control and powerful for about 30 days, but was then struck by an overwhelming panic. My career has been such a huge part of who I am. My friends are still working and most are several years younger than me.

I felt agoraphobic! So much time and whilst the weather was delightful and I had lots of plans, the days started to feel like they had no order. I lost hours and couldn't understand why. I hit the gym, I had a few breaks away, and I had the cleanest cupboards in Cheshire, but, after six months, the recruitment contacts started to ask, "What next? Surely not retirement? I have a great opportunity for you!"

Whilst it was wonderful to see that she recognised the initial steps in my journey were the same as hers, it also made me wonder when/if that moment of reflection/panic might hit me. Well, that moment came a step closer yesterday - Wednesday - when, at around 9pm, I read an email and browsed through some attachments from an organisation that knew first-hand about my exploits leading a team to successfully recover a Finance System replacement project, in 2025. 

I'd promised to do so BEFORE I even knew there might be a retirement opportunity, given the COO had asked me personally. "Sure, I'll dedicate a day for free," I said, thinking it was a great idea to possibly pitch for some work. Well, despite logging off at 10pm last night and going to bed at 10:40pm, it took my brain over two hours to stop chatting to me. 

"What might that risk mitigation on page 4 entail?" and that's 11pm come and gone.

"How would I approach it if my assumptions about that statement, presumably instigated by the supplier, were true, given I've had experience of that supplier?" It's now 11:30pm, so I might as well get up and make myself a hot chocolate. 

"Could the core of the old project team get together again, or wouldn't that be possible?" There goes midnight.

"What sort of budget might it need?" Enough! It's 12:45am and I'm back upstairs, trying to get to sleep.

I have a follow-up call on Monday and then that's my free-time commitment finished. Surely it won't lead to anything.

 

3. Silence has never seemed so noisy

Do you ever get that feeling that you're neither awake but also not properly asleep? Welcome to the day after the Easter bank holiday weekend; a weekend that started with me feeling the in-between status; moving from work to retirement.

1. Before the bank holiday weekend

The news came through on Thursday evening that one of the pension funds still hadn't responded to the request for final numbers from my financial advisor, so, at 2am, my mind decided to work overtime on all the possible scenarios. It was not a good nights' sleep. 

* Shall I go back to work straight away, because this retirement malarkey is for old folk, not me? 

* Getting up at 4am almost every Tuesday for 2 years wasn't that bad, was it? Sleep-walking through Wednesday (which usually included a minimum of 9 Teams meetings) was fun, right? 

* Getting that Monday-morning-feeling around 6pm on a Sunday evening didn't actually spoil anything: I mean who needs 2 full days of rest and family fun? 

* What if I'm bored and rudderless by June? 

* What if it rains every day throughout summer and I'm stuck inside? 

* Might as well be talking to people and avoid bankruptcy and destitution!

Not the best mix, but thinking about scenarios is... sorry, was part of my every day job. I'd developed skills and had experiences over the previous 20 years that meant companies paid me to make plans, assess scenarios, and ensure risk mitigations were in place. Starting from a negative point of view and working my way out of it was an essential element of that career, so it's hardly surprising my attention turned to 'what if' scenarios outside of work. Can't turn off that sort of brilliance 

2. During the bank holiday

Suddenly it was Good Friday and I looked like I hadn't slept for days, but help came from a rather surprising quarter. The time? 1:46pm. The location? A hairdresser's chair in a town close to where we live. The other key person in this situation? A usually cheeky lady called Corey. 

Ordinarily, we'd have a bit of banter and try to keep the laughter decibels down (Marge from number 37 is overly protective of her peace and quiet whilst having her roots done, apparently), but, for the first 15 minutes, there was no laughter. Corey noticed a change in my usual cheeky-chappy demeanour, and reacted to it:

---------------------------------------- 

"What's up?" she asked. (Hardly a Sigmund Freud-inspired statement, but this is a personal blog).

"Just got a few things on my mind," I replied. (Hey, I heard you roll your eyes at the simplicity of the conversation. Bite your tongue and just keep reading: that's the last time I'll warn you).

"Like what?"

---------------------------------------- 

Anyway, 20 minutes later I felt I had some clarity, significantly shorter hair, AND my wife had paid. I was happy with all 3 outcomes. We drove home (my wife and I, not Corey and I - keep up) discussing a few key questions and agreeing to some actions. An email here and a 'contact form' there, all because my conundrum was framed perfectly by Corey:

"How much do you want to retire? Enough to make some lifestyle choices, or only if your lifestyle doesn't change?" she asked, illustrating her question with the very contrasting decisions her parents made. 

Clever sod.

  

3. And now?

We're told the answer to everything is '42', but the answer to my immediate mental conundrum wasn't '42, it was 'sod it'. I have made enquiries about some of my financial options, I've negotiated with my brain to trial retirement for 150 days, and decided to throw myself into it; albeit frugally. I even bought a paper diary and mapped out the 'month to a page' for April through June. JEEPERS, I'll be busy.

Frugality - now there's a subjective definition. 

The first and immediate change is to switch from my usual carefree approach to buying things. 

* Yes, those new outdoor tops do look nice, and 2-3 new ones would be a great addition to the 20 sweaters, fleeces, and mid-layers I probably already own, but do I need them?

* Wouldn't it be lovely to add HBO to the streaming services we already have, but no. 

* Do we really need two cars?

The only decadent purchases so far this month are an old-style receptionist's telephone for my soon-to-be revamped home office, and two tubs of dried mealworms (if you need to ask, it's bird food for the garden feeders, and yes they'll be weaned off them over the next 3-4 weeks as berries and seeds are naturally provided in the garden, and nearby).

For now, I'm happy to embrace whatever the next 150 days brings, knowing nothing is ever certain apart from life this very instant. At least the sun is shining, there are lots of birds in the garden, the dog is racing around after its squeaky ball, and I'm feeling a little more at peace.

I mean, what could possibly go wrong?